


don't you wanna see a man up close?

by debbiewrites



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: English isn't my mothertongue so I apologize for any mistakes, Fake/Pretend Relationship, I am still living for this trope tbh, M/M, jimon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-06-09 16:35:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6914836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/debbiewrites/pseuds/debbiewrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"For the record: I still hate you."</p><p>Jace would have rather jumped out of the window than ask Simon to be his pretend-boyfriend for the night. Simon is pretty sure that AGREEING to this is just about the worst decision he has ever made. At least that's what they both like to tell themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“You want me to… EXCUSE ME? You want…what? This is absolutely, completely out of question.”

“ _Simon._ ” Jace chuckled and ran a hand through his hair like this had been the exact answer he had anticipated. “I’m getting the feeling that you think I _want_ to do this. I’m asking you because we don’t have a choice. And for the record, I still hate you.” Simon sat down on the edge of his bed and took a deep breath. Then he took another one. “Yeah, well, thanks for that, _Prince Charming_. I’m still not going to pretend to be your…did I get that right? Pretend to be _your_ boyfriend? I don’t know whether it may have escaped your notice but I am very much very straight.”

He heard a grunt of annoyance from the other side of the room. “Oh _please_ , mundane. “ He scoffed. “How wonderfully you have managed to miss the whole point of this. It's not a bloody marriage proposal, it’s for ONE NIGHT!”

Jace lowered his voice again and sat down next to Simon on his bed. Simon heard him inhale shakily. Wait a second…did he? “Please.” His tone of voice was nearly soft. “Please, I don’t know who else to ask and I really, really need to go after this demon. Showing up there alone would mean not blending in with the others and not blending in is the _death_ of every mission. It’s not my bloody fault I need to go after him at a _gay club_.”

He seemed uncomfortable at the mere thought of it. “Come on, Simon, please.” “Oh, look at you. _Begging_ already, Wayland?” Simon started getting up from the bed but he could have sworn he heard Jace’ breath hitch for a moment.

“Sim-“ “Why can’t you take Alec?” “I’m not gonna take my _brother_ as a pretend-boyfriend, mundane, and as you may have noticed Alec isn’t exactly friendly with me at the moment.” Simon let out a defeated sigh.

He would regret the words he was about to say, he knew he would but he tried to think about the fact that this was a _mission_ and it served the purpose of ridding the world of another scary ass demon and also, he was gonna make sure they did this all under his conditions. “Fine, I’ll do it.”

 

“You…wait really?” “Yeah, yeah, you can express your undying gratitude later but I have a few conditions.” Before Jace could do much more than roll his eyes, he continued: “You’re gonna make sure this demon won’t rip my arm off or something; I make it out of there alive and in one piece. Second, not more touching and acting boyfriend-ish than ABSOLUTELY necessary. Third, definitely, under no circumstances are we gonna kiss. NO CIRCUMSTANCES. I don’t even want your mouth near mine. Understood?”

Simon tried to stare Jace down and act like he was extremely sure of what he thought about all this but he was also trying very hard to cover up the fact that this whole…mission…is that what he was supposed to call it? That this whole mission was making him extremely nervous…why was it making him nervous again? Seriously, why was he more anxious about having to play happily married couple with Jace than about the very real possibility of being slaughtered by a crazy demon?

He could see that Jace was suppressing a grin as he looked at him with raised eyebrows. “No kisses?” He slurred cockily. “Pity.” Simon looked extremely confused for a second (which MAY have been because his heart MAY have skipped a beat at the look Jace was giving him) (and why was THIS happening now? _Get your shit together, Lewis.)_ “Oh come on”, Simon spat out before Jace interrupted him. “Let’s get going, Lewis.” He swung himself from Simon’s bed and clapped the other boy on the shoulder. “We’ve got a mission to plan.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did want to write this chapter YEARS AGO but A-Level exams happened and I didn't want to rush it, I'M SORRY  
> Hope you still enjoy it :)  
> (also not that much happens in this chapter but I promise there is A LOT to come in the next chapter haha)

_Fuck, there’s a shit ton of people here._ That was the first thought Simon had, standing in front of the club with Jace the following night. This was definitely not what he was used to from the “clubs” his band used to play in. If you could call them that. You probably couldn’t.

His second thought was _Agreeing to this was the worst decision I have made in my entire life. This literally tops my ninth-grade haircut. Worst. decision. ever._

Jace and him were standing in line, having waited for approximately 20 minutes already, with a suspicious distance between them. They also hadn’t exchanged a single word for half of that time, which probably meant Jace’ original plan of _blending in_ was proving to be more difficult than they had assumed. But Simon sure as hell wasn’t gonna do anything to change that.

 

After all, Jace had pretty much hated his guts since the first time they had met and since then, he had made an effort to make his hatred very obvious to Simon at every possibility. And Simon felt the same, definitely. The only time he tolerated Jace’ presence was when Clary was with them – _the things you do for your best friends, seriously_ – which made this whole situation even weirder because under normal circumstances, spending his Friday night with some fake-blond demon hunter, no matter how attractive he may be, would not have been his first choice.

 

Not that Jace was attractive. Not that, tonight, he had already made Simon’s breath hitch a few times whenever he smiled at him because, believe it or not, they were actually making an effort to hold a proper conversation! Now, if all THAT had been the case, Simon may have enjoyed this mission and Jace’ company a little but obviously it wasn’t.

 

“ _Today_ , mundane.” Jace’ annoyed voice interrupted Simon’s thoughts and he shuffled a few feet forward, as the queue before them was moving quite quickly now. “And something else.” Jace’ face was far too close to his – _okay could he maybe not do that thanks –_ as he whispered into Simon’s ear.

“If we want to have any kind of credibility as _boyfriends_ tonight, maybe we should, you know, stop ignoring the hell out of each other.” Simon could nearly hear the smirk in Jace’ voice although he didn’t dare to move his head to check because _woah_ , their heads were far too close already and he had to admit that it was making his heart beat more than a little faster.

 

“Well, _honey_.” Simon spat out the word. “This whole situation was your grand idea, so what do you suggest?” “Maybe this, for a start.”

 

Simon let out a gasp as he felt Jace’ left hand slip into his right and nearly jumped back, slightly startled. “Wh- uh, yeah I guess, you know, that works.” _Shut up, Simon, nothing good is gonna come out of your mouth while you are holding his hand,_ he told himself while simultaneously wondering why he was even bothered by it. It shouldn’t be a big deal after all, should it? It was Jace, not some girl he was crushing on. _Now that would have been an excuse to freak out._ This wasn’t _._

Simon looked at Jace out of the corner of his eye. He seemed completely unfazed by the whole situation. He only observed the people standing in front of them which made Simon wonder just exactly how many times Jace had already held hands with a random guy, standing in front of a gay club.

 

For Simon, it wasn’t exactly usual which was probably the reason why he couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Jace was holding his hand, couldn’t stop thinking about how surprisingly soft his fingers felt closed around his, couldn’t help but notice a warm shiver running down his spine. A warm shiver…because he, as a straight guy, was uncomfortable and didn’t want to hold another boy’s hand. Perfectly reasonable.

 

Before Simon could overanalyse everything even more, _which he just_ _loved to do, didn’t he,_ he felt Jace pull him forward a little, ever so slightly pressing his hand.

They were at the very front of the queue now and while Simon was still reminding himself that, oh right, they had a mission and he was supposed to _act_ , Jace had already started casually chatting to one of the men at the entrance and ever so effortlessly, slipped his hand out of Simon’s, putting an arm around his shoulders instead, pulling him even closer than before. He could hear Jace laugh and noticed with slight confusion how Jace was basically _undressing the guy he was talking to with his eyes._

 

_Wow, he sure is good at flirting his way into a gay club for a straight guy,_ Simon thought to himself.

 

All _he_ was really able to do was smile at the other guy, who, as Simon noticed, didn’t seem to be able to take his eyes off Jace. _Understandably,_ Simon chuckled to himself and a second later, mentally slapped himself because _no it’s not understandable?_ He also felt a little flicker in his chest, an uncomfortable flicker, almost like…jealousy?

Before he could think more closely about it, Jace had already effortlessly gotten them past the entrance and as soon as they entered the club, Simon was hit by extremely loud blaring music and heavy air, smelling of alcohol and sweat.

 

Before they had gotten further than a few steps, Simon, feeling like he was in some kind of daze, managed to trip over one of the steps leading to the dance floor. Jace, who for some reason still had his arm around Simon – _seriously why did he still have his arm there?? –_ stretched out his other arm and caught him by the wrist before he could make a complete fool of himself. _Typical Simon._

 

“You don’t have to get down on your knees for me yet, _sweetie_.” Jace had to pretty much shout at him over the music but the way he bit his lip and raised his eyebrows was enough for Simon to nearly trip a second time. He quickly yanked his wrist from Jace’ grip and steadied himself, taking a deep breath. “Don’t overdo it, _Wayland.”_ Jace just winked at him and motioned to the bar. Simon pressed through bodies left and right, dodging an elbow here and there until they arrived at the bar and Jace sat down on a stool next to a couple that was currently _heavily_ making out. _Well, that sets the mood._

 

He could see Jace’ eyes, twinkling in the strobe lights of the club, scanning the crowd, every now and then lingering a little longer on certain people. _Right, we’re not here for the fun, Lewis, there is still a good chance you may get slaughtered by a mad demon tonight,_ he had to remind himself. Not that he would want to be here for the fun.

He kept watching Jace’ features out of the corner of his eye and his heart was still beating a lot faster than normal; it had pretty much been this way since Jace had gripped his hand outside of the club. He decided to ignore it. The music, the heat and also Jace' hand resting on his knee, for whatever reason, made it rather hard to concentrate on anything.

 

He felt Jace nudge him with his shoulder as he nodded towards the dance floor. “See the guy with the leather jacket? Blue, spiky hair?” Jace was screaming in his ear _again_ and Simon nodded. “That’s him.” He could see this look on Jace’ face again, the look he had seen before when Jace was preparing for a fight. It was a mixture of anticipation, superiority and the complete absence of fear. It was fascinating.

 

Simon cleared his throat and leaned towards Jace’ ear. “But he looks so…normal.” He could feel Jace’ shoulders shake with a laugh. “Yeah, Simon, that’s kind of the point of shape shifting demons, you know. Looking normal and all.” His voice did not have the usual tone it always had when he talked to Simon though; it sounded almost more fond than mean and he could practically hear the smile in Jace’ voice.

He clapped Simon on the shoulder.

“Listen, mundie.” Now, _that_ sounded more like Jace again. “You order yourself a drink or two and I’ll take care of that beast, alright?" He smirked. "Now, _this_ is going to be fun.”

 

Simon saw Jace reach into the pocket of his leather jacket, probably making sure whatever kind of weapon he was carrying was still there but before he could even get up from the stool, Simon grabbed his sleeve. “Wait...I’m supposed to sit here like a lap dog and wait for you until you have fought a bloody _demon_?!”

 

Jace scoffed and leaned in Simon’s direction. His face was far too close to Simon’s - for the umpteenth time this evening, as Simon noticed – and he nearly slurred the words. “Don’t worry, I won’t cheat on you tonight, _babe_.” Simon rolled his eyes and had just opened his mouth to make a sarcastic comment – _yeah right, two can play this game, Wayland -_ when he felt Jace’ lips press to his left cheek.

 

Before he could even form a coherent thought, before he could process why he was blushing uncontrollably, Jace got up and threw him a look over his shoulder. He looked as smug as ever but as his eyes met Simon’s, who was still sitting there with his mouth open, he suddenly didn’t seem nearly as sure of himself as before. For a second, Simon had the feeling he still wanted to say something to him.

A moment later, he disappeared into the crowd.


	3. Chapter 3

Sometimes, ten minutes can seem like half an eternity. For Simon, the ten minutes since he had seen Jace vanish, seemed even longer.

 

He was still sitting at the bar, every now and then taking a nervous sip from the coke he had ordered eventually and his heart sunk in his chest with every second he had to sit there alone, without any sign of Jace or, for that matter, the demon he had followed out of the back door.

Forcefully ignoring the two guys next to him who were _still_ heavily making out, Simon kept scanning every inch of the crowd when finally, he snapped.

As much as he didn’t want to admit it, the thought of Jace fighting some kind of super hybrid monster while he was sitting here doing absolutely nothing, made his stomach clench with worry.

_God, Simon, pull yourself together, he’s a Shadowhunter, he knows what he’s doing._ And since when did he even care that much about Jace Wayland? If it was _him_ fighting a demon – _haha yeah, because that would totally happen_ – Jace would probably be more than happy to leave him as food for said demon.

But after two more minutes of waiting Simon was going absolutely _insane_ and with a previously unknown determination, got up from the bar stool, pushed his way through the crowd with a lot of ‘sorry’s and ‘excuse me’s until he stood in front of the door that Jace had disappeared through ten minutes before.Taking a very deep breath – _heaven, this is the worst idea I’ve ever had –_ he pushed it open and took a careful step outside.

 

At first, all he saw was a very dimly lit and empty backyard that was littered with all kinds of disgusting...stuff. Quite frankly, it looked like no one had set foot here for the past three years. He was ready to see this as a welcome excuse to very quickly hurry back inside and leave Jace wherever he was to do whatever Shadowhunters do, when he heard a loud grunt and glass shattering somewhere to his right.

Trying to act a lot braver then he felt, he moved quickly down the alley to his right and turned around the corner. First, he saw Jace, seraph blade in his left hand, his right hand pressed to his side. He was limping, Simon noticed, slowly backing away from… _holy fuck._

Standing in front of Jace was the most horrifying thing Simon had ever seen, looking like it had escaped straight from a video game, some kind of being that had absolutely no similarities to the boy that Jace had followed out of the club. It seemed to have a bazillion teeth, claws coming out of the weirdest places of his body, if you could call it a body, the thing that had a sickeningly greyish-green colour and was crawling towards Jace. Jace, who hadn’t even noticed Simon standing a few meters behind him.

 

But the demon had.

 

Before Simon could even react, could run away or scold himself for how stupid he had been to come out here to _help_ Jace – _how could he have even helped him with that thing?_ – the demon moved past Jace, far faster than it looked capable of, and it advanced toward Simon who felt panic blind him as he backed away until he felt a brick wall against his back.

He saw Jace turn around in an instant, saw his look change from confusion as to why the demon was sparing him, to pure fear when he saw the demon inches away from Simon.

Out of the corner of his eye, Simon could see Jace running toward him, his seraph blade in front of him, but it didn’t matter anymore because in the same moment, indescribable pain shot through him, his body felt like it was on fire and when he looked down, he saw with horror that the demon pulled out one of his countless claws _out of Simon’s side_ , where a deep cut appeared, too deep, too red and in the moment he saw blood pooling out of the wound and felt his legs become weaker and weaker, he heard a bloodcurdling scream that sounded anything but human. He looked to his right, just in time to see Jace pull the seraph blade out of the demon’s heart with a grunt.

The demon seemed to crumble into ashes and disappear but then again, maybe Simon was already hallucinating, his head clouded, his vision going blurry.

When he tried to focus his eyes on Jace – _for some reason the world still seemed to go fuzzy in front of his eyes_ – he thought that never before, Jace had ever looked at him like that, his eyes wide with fear, not for his own life but for Simon’s and he came running towards him, breathing heavily. Shortly before Jace reached him, he opened his mouth and it looked like he was shouting Simon’s name but Simon didn’t hear a word anymore. The darkness already encompassed him and he felt himself fall.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA SAY
> 
> Okay, so this chapter actually took a completely different turn than I originally planned but I just kind of went with the flow and I really enjoyed writing it :)

“You know, if you wanted my attention so badly, you could have gone for something more subtle.”

Jace’ familiarly cocky voice was what woke him. For a moment, he felt perfectly disoriented but nevertheless, he noticed with great relief that he was lying in a very soft, very comfortable bed and after he put all of the power left in his body into opening his eyes, he saw that Jace was sitting on the end of it, with traces of blood in his hair and jacket but looking unharmed, probably thanks to one of these rune things Shadowhunters used to heal themselves.

“Wha- what exactly is going on?” He was interrupted by a coughing fit that made a sharp pang of pain shoot through his left side. “FUCK. Jace? Why-“

“Well, for one, you fainted straight into arms, mundane. It’s cute that this is your idea of flirting but quite inappropriate in that certain situation. I brought you to the institute and I’ve been waiting for you to wake up for the past ten minutes, so THANK YOU for finally doing so.” Despite the pain and confusion overcoming him, Simon had to silently smile to himself. _I remember the panic in your eyes, Wayland. Don't act like you wouldn't have cared what happened to me._

Jace let out a sigh that was probably meant to sound annoyed but Simon noticed that Jace looked at him with a nearly tender look in his eyes. The sorrow - it was still there. _Well, add that to the list of weird things that have happened today, right next to ‘nearly getting slaughtered by a crazy demon’._ That was when the weight of Jace' words finally hit him. _I fainted into his arms? Was that SERIOUSLY necessary?_ Against his will, Simon felt himself blush uncontrollably. 

 

Before he could ponder the whole situation any more, in one swift motion Jace got up from the foot of the bed, sat down right at Simon’s side and pulled away the blanket covering Simon’s upper body. “Woah dude, what is it…what are…” He drew in a sharp breath. _Would you bloody calm down, Lewis._ “What is it you think you’re doing?”

He could hear Jace let out a breathy chuckle. “I’m gonna take care of that huge ass wound the demon gave you, what’s it look like I’m doing?” _Oh yeah well, that makes sense actually._ Simon pulled up his t-shirt that was a disgusting mess of blood – _his own blood? Damn, quite a lot of it actually –_ and sweat and dirt and he took a look at the source of the sharp pangs of pain that had been shooting through his body: there was a gashing cut right above the waistline of his jeans that looked disgustingly infected and sent a wave of nausea through him just by looking at it. “Ew.”

He tried to sit up in the bed but let out a pained moan because it made the throbbing of the wound even worse. When he finally managed to push himself up, he heard Jace’ voice: “So, could you take it off now?”

 

Simon felt like he had been slapped in the face. “Wh-what?” Jace let out a long, overly dramatic sigh. “Your shirt, Lewis. I believe it could prove to be rather difficult to bind a wound _through your shirt_ so quit acting up. You can be extremely glad you didn’t get any demon venom into your veins because in that case, I could’ve carried you straight to the morgue.” Simon let out a breath. “How _lovely_ of you." Jace was still looking at him impatiently. "Yeah, right, um, sure.” Simon forced out a chuckle and reached behind his neck to pull his shirt over his head. _Let's not make this situation even more awkward, shall we._

He sunk back against his pillow and carefully looked up at Jace. To his surprise, he seemed to be completely lost in his thoughts for a second, his gaze fixed on Simon but Simon only blinked and the familiar smirk was back on Jace’ face again although he could have sworn that what was left, was a slight blush on his cheeks. _Stop imagining things. This is a complete normal situation and there is absolutely no reason to be nervous about anything about this._

“So?”, Simon asked in a surprising moment of courage. “You like what you see?”

“I don’t know, I pictured you hotter to be honest.” He said it in his usual Jace-tone, but Simon could have sworn his voice shook a bit at the start of the sentence. “Now let’s get this over with.”

 

A second later, Simon felt Jace’ fingertips on his stomach, carefully edging towards the wound on his side – which was _FAR_ too close to the waistband of his jeans, as Simon just now noticed – and then taking a cotton ball to clean the wound which made Simon suppress an agonized cry. His whole body tensed but with great surprise, he noticed how careful Jace was, how gently he took care of Simon’s wound and how he still had his other hand lingering on Simon’s stomach, almost as if to calm him. _Yeah, because Jace would totally do that_.

With equal surprise however, Simon noticed his own reaction to Jace’ touch. Every single time, his fingertips met Simon’s naked skin and everytime he focused on how gentle his hand was placed just below Simon’s chest, it sent a feeling like a lightning bolt through his body and the unfamiliar warmth in his chest nearly made him forget the dull pain in his side.

The longer the whole thing went on, the two boys sitting in silence, the stronger the feeling got, until at some point Jace looked up at Simon, probably to check whether he was still, you know, conscious, and the moment their gazes met, blue eyes meeting gold, it sent liquid heat down Simon’s spine and _literally_ made him gasp, which he _could_   - and Jace probably did - attribute to his pain but fucking hell, Simon knew it was something entirely else.

 

And just how it always is in life, just when you think a certain situation can’t possibly get anymore awkward -

You get a boner.

 

It was a few minutes later, when Jace started putting a bandage on Simon’s wound that he had the sudden, unwelcome realization that the other boy was resting his forearm _very_ close to a _very_ private area and it felt like his breath got caught in his throat for a moment and while he felt a hot shiver go through his body, all he was able to tell himself was _it’s Jace, for god’s sake, he's far too close to you and this whole situation should disgust you and not…do whatever it’s doing right now, it's JACE, stop thinking about him like that._

He concentrated every ounce of his mind in avoiding the inevitable but judging from the look on Jace' face, he _knew_.

Jace didn’t just _know_ , Simon could see him trying to suppress a smirk and while he didn’t seem to dare to look Simon in the eye, of course he still had to make a sarcastic comment: “Well”, his voice seemed deeper than usual and underneath said sarcastic tone, Simon could just make out that his voice was thick with something else, though he couldn't quite make out what. He couldn’t think straight anymore anyway, for that matter. “You know, Simon, I _tend_ to have that effect on people sometimes.”

 

Simon was, _again_ , blushing uncontrollably and he was quite glad that for some reason, Jace still wasn’t looking him in the eye. “You know, I could put my arm somewhere else but you seem to be quite enjoying this.” He chuckled again but inhaled shakily. Simon took a deep breath himself and tried to find a snarky comeback somewhere in his brain. _Nope, absolutely nothing._ “Jace, could you STOP constantly making me feel uncomfortable?” “Oh, in a sexual tension kind of way?” Simon could hear the provocation in Jace’ voice. “No,” Simon put great emphasis on the word, “in a ‘stop talking about my dick’ kind of way.”

Jace let out a laugh. _Okay, luckily this is starting to get a little less awkward._ Simon was more than relieved however, when a moment later, Jace had finished binding his wound and moved to get up from the bed but turned around to face Simon again.

“You should rest.” The concern in Jace’ voice was still unfamiliar to Simon. “Demon wounds are not something to take lightly.” He opened his mouth as if he still wanted to say something but closed it again, and with just a short nod, turned toward the door.

 

“Jace, wait.”

 

Simon’s voice probably still sounded quite pained because Jace was sitting by his side again in about 0.3 seconds. Simon laughed quietly. This whole thing was so unlike Jace that he couldn’t help it. “What is it?”

“I just… wanted to thank you.” For the first time in, well, a while, Simon looked him straight in the eye. _God, his eyes are beautiful_ , was his first thought. _I should not think this about a guy,_ was his second.  _Then again, this is probably the most harmless thought I've had about Jace today._

“Really, God knows what would have happened if you hadn’t brought me to the institute in time.” “Yeah”, Jace’ voice was rough and he cleared his throat before he continued talking, “well, you only came with me under the condition to not get slaughtered so, there’s that. Don’t get used to me saving your ass, Lewis.” Now, _this_ sounded more like Jace again, even when the look in his eyes betrayed the casualty of his words.

“Well, I won’t. Still surprisingly nice of someone who, you know, hates my guts, to save my life.” With a snort to emphasize his words, Simon sat up straight in his bed again and regretted it a second later, because _holy shit,_ his face was far too close to Jace’ right now, _far too close_. Jace’ voice was low and nearly a whisper when he said the next words. “Yeah, well, I guess you’ve grown on me a little.”

Simon could have leaned back against the pillow again without problem but there was something that seemed to physically hold him in place, with their faces inches from each other, and Simon’s heart literally beating out of his chest, chills running down his spine, the air between them heavy with electricity and all he could think was _fuck, I cant feel this way because of a boy, I can't feel this way because of Jace, this is literally so wrong on every level_ and never, not in a million years, no matter how much every fibre of his being was screaming to be even closer to Jace, would he have dared to lean in, because  _god,_ he was too scared of how Jace would react if he did. He didn't dare to close the very little distance that was still between their lips.

 

So he didn’t. But it didn’t matter.

  
Because Jace did.

 

And in that second, it was fire meeting rain, it was liquid heat between their lips, it was sparks flying, burning, it was desire and guilt and pleasure all at the same time and Simon’s brain just shut _down._

The kiss wasn’t at all what Simon would have expected from kissing Jace. _Not that he had ever thought about it of course, but, you know, he could imagine it._ The kiss wasn’t rough or demanding, it wasn’t all teeth and heavy breathing, _it was so much more than that_. It was _better_.

Their lips met in the most gentle, the most tender way. Simon felt Jace’ hand on his neck pulling him just the slightest bit closer and the touch was so intimate it took his breath away. Their kiss deepened and Simon just let himself _fall_ into the kiss for a moment, all he could feel was Jace’ soft lips move against his and he wanted to feel him like this forever, he savoured every second of it because he could have never imagined how you could be so close to a person and still want them closer, so much closer with every inch of your being.

Their lips parted for a second and Simon rested his forehead against Jace’, who still had his hand in Simon’s neck, holding him ever so tight but in such a gentle way and the moment felt so fragile Simon was scared it could break if he moved a single muscle.

His heart beating out of his chest with longing, Simon leaned in this time, his hand moving ever so slowly from his thigh to cup Jace’ cheek because, _oh god,_ he needed to touch him and just before his lips finally, _finally_ met the other boy’s again… he felt Jace pull away with a start.

 

Jace sat up straight and he was staring at the floor, his whole body tense. Simon couldn’t talk, hell, he couldn’t even think because the sheer impossibility of this situation was slowly hitting him, all he could do was stare at Jace in confusion, his mind still not working properly, his chest still bursting with the warmth he had felt as soon as they had touched and he wanted to scream at Jace, _please, look at me, please don't tell me you regret this, please…_

When Jace finally did look him in the eyes, Simon frantically searched for any sign of emotion, _please tell me you felt it too,_ but Jace still didn’t say a single word so surprisingly, Simon was the first to find his voice again. It was raspy and thick with emotion.

“That…”, he took a deep breath, ”that was…”

He had no idea what he wanted to say but it didn’t matter because Jace interrupted him.

“A one time thing.”

His voice was just as raspy and it was shaking ever so slightly but the coldness underneath it made Simon stare in disbelief. Before he could fully process the words, before he could think about whether he was crossing any lines – _if there still were any after what just happened_ \- he tried to reach out to Jace, tried to hold his hand but Jace pulled away before he could do as much as close his fingers around Jace’. This one movement hurt Simon more than any words could have, and he literally felt his bubble burst, he felt the warmth in his stomach disappear and be replaced by ice, pure ice.

“Don’t.”

There was no trace of emotion anymore. Jace sounded completely distant. In one quick motion, he got up from the bed and walked toward the door.

“You should get some rest”, he announced without even turning around. “Yeah, you already mentioned that”, Simon spat out. He sounded bitter. He didn’t care that he sounded bitter, he didn’t care at all anymore. Staring at the wall opposite him intently, he heard the door close at last.

_What have we done?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO INCREDIBLY SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING IN AGES  
> I graduated three weeks ago and everything around that time was just A. BLUR. tbh but I'm finally back so please forgive me! xx  
> This is a short one but the final chapter is coming tomorrow and hopefully you'll all be happy about the ending! :)

"God, Simon, I'm so sorry."

  
A familiar voice creeping into his still-more-or-less-asleep conscience was what woke Simon. He had just so fallen into a very light sleep after tossing and turning in his bed for nearly two hours.

The relentless questions in his mind wouldn't let him sleep.

He couldn't understand it. It had been Jace who had leaned in, after all, had it not? Hadn't he wanted it just as much as Simon did? Then again, a part of Simon could understand him. Because he, too, was so unbelievably afraid of it, of whatever this was.

He was so afraid because this kiss, kissing Jace ( _god, it sounded so wrong to even say this_ ) had been exactly what he had wanted, it felt like all these inexplicable feelings, this longing in his chest that he had not been able to quite place, all the question marks in his mind, all of this had come together in Jace' kiss, Jace' touch and for this split second, everything had just _made sense._

But then, Jace had pulled away.

And no matter how much it had hurt in this moment, it also meant that Simon's rational thinking set in again. And rational thinking meant _oh god oh no what did just happen this is Jace for God's sake you shouldn't kiss him you shouldn't want to kiss him you shouldn't want to kiss any boy at all you should be disgusted._

But at the very same time, all he could feel were the remnants of this unbelievable warmth in his chest, the ever so slight fluttering in his stomach and all he could do was look at Jace, try to meet his gaze and plead silently - _please tell me you somehow felt it too._

But that feeling of disgust, of wrongness that Simon would have expected - wasn't that probably what it was like for Jace? He wasn't _afraid_ , why would he be? He was disgusted with himself, with Simon, because Jace Wayland doesn't kiss guys. He probably detested Simon for what he had done.

The thought pierced straight into his heart. No thought had ever hurt as much.

Jace was gone and Simon had never known rejection that hurt as much as this did. Not that it mattered. Jace would probably never be able to even look him in the eye again, acknowledge anything about this night or speak to him.

At least that's what Simon thought until now.

 

"God, Simon, I'm so sorry."

Part of him thought he was still dreaming, which was probably why he did not immediately flinch and turn around in an instant. Slowly coming to his senses, he decided to not move a muscle and pretend to be asleep for just a while longer because _if this is really Jace standing by the side of my bed at this ungodly hour then you can be damn sure I'll listen to what he says._

"Fuck, I'm such an asshole, I-" 

_I could agree to that_ , thought Simon.

"I just didn't know what to do, I've never- I've never felt like this for...for a guy. And it's scary, Simon." He made a pause and then lowered his voice even more, barely audible to Simon now. "I know it's no excuse but it's so fucking scary."

Somewhere in his chest, somewhere between surprise, confusion and a still lingering feeling of rejection, Simon felt an incredible wave of affection for the other boy. Jace was not a person who talked about his feelings. He wasn't a person who talked much at all, he was a Shadowhunter after all, and probably the last person you would expect to so openly confess to something.

And it hit Simon.

 _He didn't reject me. He doesn't hate me._ Simon felt his fears slowly, carefully melt away, making space for... a different feeling. A feeling that filled his limbs with a tingling sensation and suddenly, he felt the overwhelming urge to kiss Jace again.

_What I feel - he felt it too._

 

Simon felt the side of his bed give in just a little bit - Jace had sat down next to him. Simon still had his back turned and now more than ever, willed himself to stay perfectly still and breathe evenly, although his body had felt like it was on fire ever since Jace had entered the room.

"God, you probably think I'm angry at you or something, right? But how could I ever be? I'm just...so, so confused." Jace chuckled ever so quietly. "Or maybe I'm making this a lot of a bigger deal than it was for you." He breathed out shakily.

He was speaking so slowly that it appeared to Simon he was carefully weighing every word he was saying. "But for me, it was. It was a big deal. And I really, really don't want to admit it to myself. Admit that...it meant so much to me. Because you're a guy and I don't get these feelings for guys. I don't l-... well, I don't kiss guys." The last words came out so quickly that Simon almost didn't catch them.

There was a long pause that made Simon hold his breath. Then Jace said one more sentence.

"I might like you a lot more than originally planned, Simon Lewis."

 

That's when Simon felt the slightest touch of Jace' palm on the curve of his back. He moved it away again in the instant of a second, as if he had held his hand into fire, but that second was enough, combined with the words he had just heard come out of Jace' mouth, to make Simon's heart beat almost out of his chest.

Simon felt Jace get off his bed with the typical caution of a Shadowhunter, obviously not wanting to wake him, and then he heard the gentle closing of the door behind Jace that left him alone, wide awake and his head spinning with thoughts.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE FINAL CHAPTER! ♥  
> A huge thank you to everyone reading and commenting and all that stuff!!  
> I THOROUGHLY enjoyed writing this and I hope you all like how I chose to end things :)  
> Much love to you x

Simon didn't find any sleep the rest of that night. After pondering endless possibilities, overanalysing his feelings, thoughts running wild in his head, he finally got out of bed when he started to see the sun rise behind the thick curtains.

Throwing on a clean shirt he found somewhere rummaging through the drawers, he finally, after considering pros and cons for five more minutes, made his way over to Jace' room. _This is either going to be the best or the worst decision I have ever made,_ he thought, his hands shaking a bit more than he wanted to admit.

Confronting Jace to try and clear up everything between them had only been one of a billion possible situations Simon had played through in his head in the past hours (moving to Europe and getting a legal name change may or may not have been one of them) but he had decided that this was the only way to find some kind of closure - in one way or another - between them.

Simon hated words left unspoken.

It was just a short walk down the hallway but it seemed like at least half an eternity to him. Finally standing outside Jace' door, Simon allowed his heart to skip three more beats until he very cautiously raised his hand to knock on the door- that opened before his knuckles could even touch it and a second later, he was face to face with Jace who looked like he was in a great rush and, as Simon noticed after the initial shock, also seemed like he hadn't gotten much more sleep than Simon himself had had the past night.

At the sight of a very confused looking Simon outside his door, Jace flinched.

 _W_ _ow, I didn't know you could ever surprise a Shadowhunter._

"What?"

It sounded defeated, but with a slightly accusatory undertone. Simon was still so concentrated on slowing down his heart that was beating far too fast - partly thanks to nearly falling headlong into a room and partly thanks to, well, let's just say, even completely sleep deprived, Jace' appearance was still able to make Simon feel all sorts of things he really could not afford feeling right now.

After a long pause, Simon managed to collect his thoughts. "We- uh, I thought we s-...can we talk? If you...maybe?"

_So smooth, Simon, that's a great job you did there._

"I don't know what there is to talk about."

Simon could have sworn Jace' voice cracked a little at the end of the sentence. He looked, however, as if he was going close the door in Simon's face every second.

"Please, Jace. Just for a minute, please."

_In my head, this situation didn't include me begging after five seconds._

Jace started turning away from Simon, who was now really worried Jace was going to shut the door in his face. He didn't even think about all the smart ideas he had had concerning this conversation. Instead, he resorted to the last thing he knew would make Jace pause.

"Those things you said last night. Did you mean them?"

 

In an instant, Simon saw Jace' whole body tense. The other boy winced barely noticeably, slowly turning back around, and for the first time after their kiss, Jace looked him straight in the eye. Simon felt electricity shoot through his body - which seemed to happen an awful lot around Jace recently - but he willed himself to not break eye contact with him.

_Don't fuck this up, Lewis._

Jace let out a shaky sigh. Of course he knew exactly what Simon was talking about. When he spoke, his voice sounded close to breaking and there wasn't the slightest trace of the usual cockiness in it, Simon realized.

Still not breaking his gaze, Jace spoke.

"You were awake, weren't you?"

Apparently not in need of an answer, he stepped aside and with a very slight movement, indicated for Simon to come into his room.  
Simon sat down on the bed. He felt a little out of place, a little awkward and he didn't even dare to open his mouth. He was scared that whatever he'd say would destroy this all too fragile moment.

Jace heaved himself up on the window sill next to the bed and pulled his legs close to his body, facing Simon. He looked weirdly vulnerable like that, Simon thought to himself. Jace never looked vulnerable - he was a tough Shadowhunter who would never let feelings get in the way of, well, anything.

Looking at Jace like that sent another wave of adoration for the other boy through Simon. It hit him so hard that he had to look down at his hands and take a deep breath because _he really had to focus on not messing this up._

While Simon was still lost in overthinking everything again, Jace finally said something.

"I did."

 

"Wh- what?" Simon hadn't meant for it to come out as a squeak but he was taken aback by the comment. "You- what?"

_As eloquent as ever, Simon. Great job._

When Jace chuckled, he almost seemed like the old one again. "I just answered your question, Simon. You asked me whether I meant what I said last night. I- I did."

"Oh, oh that, yeah." Simon chuckled, too, until the weight of the words hit him at once and for a split second, he felt like he couldn't breathe. "You- you did? You mean you actually... like me?" He nearly choked the words out. "You feel...you feel something for me?"

_Bloody hell, I sound like a 12-year-old girl talking to her first crush._

Jace jumped off the window sill and in one slow but swift motion, he sat down on the bed next to Simon who was still frozen there with his mouth open and whose heart was now beating faster than it had probably ever beaten before. He was all too aware of the way their thighs were touching and he couldn't help but think that the last time they had sat together like this...well, a kiss had happened.

"Have you really not figured that out yet?" Jace smiled down at his hands and literally _giggled_ \- Jace definitely hadn't struck Simon as a person to _giggle_ before. That's when he said the words that would rock Simon's entire world.

"Of course I do. I more than _like_ you. It confuses me and it's all- it's all so new but I do." He breathed out shakily, as if a weight was being lifted off his chest. He hesitated for a moment.

"Please don't tell me you don't feel it too. I can see it." Simon heard the smile in Jace' voice, the voice that had now regained some of the Jace-typical confidence. "I can see it. In the way you look at me."

 _How am I literally hearing these words out of Jace Wayland's mouth right now?_ , Simon thought to himself, shaking his head internally in pure disbelief. _How is this happening?_

"I- I do, god, Jace, of course I do, I don't think I've ever felt like this for...for anyone, it feels like you just somehow found your way into the back of my mind, under my skin and I just, I- I can't get you out."

 _Woah_ , Simon thought. _This was a lot more than I intended to say out loud_. The words had just somehow slipped out, had somehow found their way out from the bottom of his heart, but- he was being 100% honest. With Jace - and with himself.

He was talking faster now, stumbling over the words, his hands shaking, his breathing heavy.

"Jace, you- you said you were afraid, last night. I am, too. It's- it's the first time I've felt like this in a long time... and it's all so- I mean, you're a guy and I'm not gay and-"

Jace interrupted him carefully. "Hey, it's okay, Simon." He looked up and met Simon's eyes for a moment. Simon was suddenly again aware of how close their bodies were to each other and he felt his breath catch in his throat for the umpteenth time today.

_How is he doing this to me?_

"Neither am I. But that's not what this is about, anyway."

"Then what is this about, Jace?" Simon's voice was merely a whisper when he reached the last word.

"You." Jace lifted his hand to trace his fingers along the side of Simon's thigh and in this moment, Simon's body might have as well been catching fire.

"And me." Jace looked up at him again, absolutely beautiful Jace, Jace with sculpted cheekbones and flushed cheeks, Jace with eyes like sunlight falling through amber, eyes that were now flickering down to Simon's lips.

And this time, Simon didn't think rationally.

He didn't think about labels, he didn't think about consequences. He didn't think about whether this would actually work out, he didn't think about what everyone else was going to think, what they were going to say.

It didn't matter, all that mattered was that Jace was right here with him, so close that he could feel the heat radiating off of his body and that right now, he wanted to kiss Jace Wayland more than he wanted anything else in the world.

This time, it was Simon who leaned in.

Without another second of hesitation, he pressed his lips to Jace' and before he even knew what happened, sparks were flying between their lips, Simon could feel liquid heat running down his spine and it was pure desire, desire and longing and it was demanding, and somehow Jace' hands had found their way to Simon's back and he was pulling him closer with force, as if every centimeter between them was too much.

Simon let himself fall into Jace' kiss, Jace' touch, he couldn't think anymore because nothing, _nothing_ had ever felt this good and before they both even knew what hit them, Simon's hands were in Jace' hair while the other boy's were still restlessly running up and down Simon's back, as if he wanted to take in every inch of his body and for Simon, even the most gentle touch was a flame, an explosion. He was burning up but god, he wanted to burn.

And those kisses, they weren't gentle anymore, they were teeth and tongue and pushing and pulling, heavy breaths into the each other's mouths. A moan escaped Jace' lips and he was still _kissing Simon,_ kissing him like it was all he had ever wanted, all he had ever needed and suddenly Jace let himself fall back on the bed and he pulled Simon with him and from one moment to the other, he was on top of Jace.

A whimper escaped Simon and he still couldn't believe this was happening, he couldn't believe how much he wanted it, he couldn't believe Jace wanted it, too. He hadn't pulled away this time. He wouldn't.

Simon was still burning up, he was so desperate to be close to Jace, he hadn't know it was possible to feel this desperate, for anything. He was running his hands through Jace' hair when he felt Jace' hands slip under his shirt, run over his skin, down his spine, so demanding yet ever so gentle. And Jace didn't stop kissing him, biting his lip, licking Simon's gasps out of his mouth.

Simon couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't think straight.

It felt like this was all he had ever wanted, this _was_ all he had ever wanted, but he couldn't silence one single voice in his head.

He couldn't shake the insecurity that had been haunting him forever, this one thought - that this was all a game for Jace, the nagging thought of _how could I possibly be enough for someone like Jace?_ _._ Jace was, well, _Jace_ and all Simon was, was absolutely inexperienced. Inexperienced and awkward.

He was literally coming apart under Jace' touch but this was exactly where the nervousness set in because never had he ever been this close to someone, never had he been this...vulnerable. And it meant so much, so much that he wanted to do everything right, so much that he started overthinking again and of course, even between the heat and the touches and the kisses, Jace noticed his ever so slight hesitation.

"What's wrong, Simon?"

And oh god, Simon could have jumped Jace' bones again right then and there, because Jace' voice sounded so impossibly raspy and low and breathless, yet so full of concern for Simon and when Jace looked up at him, his golden eyes were clouded, dark with longing, and the thought that it was him, Simon, who was doing this to Jace, was still so impossible to grasp, that in a different situation, he might have laughed.

Simon opened his mouth- and closed it again because his brain could simply not form a coherent thought. With all the willpower left in his body, he rolled off Jace and lay down at his side, staying as close to him as possible because _there was no way in hell he was letting him go now._

"I-", Simon stuttered out, his voice barely audible, while his eyes flickered from Jace' lips to his shining eyes, and god, he _so_ couldn't mess this up now.

"Hey." Jace interrupted him softly. "We can take it slow. It's fine." He looked into Simon's eyes so intently and so tenderly that Simon felt like he might explode from the fluttering in his stomach.

Simon cracked a careful smile. "I want this, Jace. You. I really- I really do." He cleared his throat, took a deep breath and slowly, carefully lifted his hand to caress the other boy's cheek, resulting in an ever so slight smile appearing on Jace' face. "But I also don't want to...rush it. I want to do everything right. I don't want you to regret- to regret...being with me. " It was more of a question than a statement, and Simon frantically searched Jace' eyes, still scared the other boy might change his mind.

All he could see in Jace' eyes was affection, affection and tenderness and patience

"Simon, I understand."

He very gently took Simon's hand in his, interlacing their fingers and placing the most careful kiss on Simon's knuckles. This gesture was so wholly unlike anything a tough, unapproachable Shadowhunter would do, so impossibly intimate, that it shook Simon to the core and made him gasp for air.

"We have all the time in the world. And I don't want anyone else but you."

 

All it took for Simon were those simple words to fill his heart with this unique, indescribable feeling for Jace, a feeling that may not have been love yet- but if that was what love felt like, Simon thought to himself, it was pretty great, too.

All he knew was that his heart was bursting with a feeling of affection and tenderness and.. _. home_. He felt at home on this strange bed, in a strange world of demons and Shadowhunting and people who wouldn't understand, he felt at home after this unbelievably unlikely turn of events that had led him to feel what he was feeling for this boy- he felt at home because he was next to Jace, their fingers intertwined, their breathing in sync, their bodies perfectly aligned, and that was enough.

They lay like this for a long time, doing nothing more and nothing less than holding each other.

Finally, it was Simon who broke the silence, after what seemed like an eternity.

 

"You know what, Jace?"

Even his name tasted different on Simon's tongue now. He remembered all the times he used to sarcastically spit out that name, making it sound almost like an insult. Now, the name sounded like comfort, like safety.

Jace chuckled silently. Their faces were still inches away from each other and Simon could see Jace' eyes crinkle when he smiled at him questioningly. "What?"

Simon stroked his thumb over the back of Jace' hand and his smile was full of warmth when he said:

"I might like you a lot more than originally planned, too, Jace Wayland."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the song "Bite" by Troye Sivan which will forever be one of my ultimate Jimon songs I'm not even sorry


End file.
